How Do I Know If I’ve Found ‘The One’?
You’re asking the wrong question.
The trillion-dollar question: How do you know he or she is the one?
Not just if they are the one, but how do you know if they are the person for you in the context of receiving the Marriage Blessing.
This is something that so many people go through. Everyone asks this at some point. How do I actually know that this is the right direction? This is not something as simple as deciding what color shirt to wear or which car to get or which computer or house to buy.
If you have ever been house shopping, this is a big decision, right? But it's not so black and white. Many times, we answer this question as best we can, based on our experience.
We’re speaking from collective decades of experience as a team of Blessed couples who have helped hundreds of people go through the intentional engagement process, which we refer to as the matching or the matching process. But this can apply to anyone who is currently in a relationship or considering the Marriage Blessing.
Are you asking the right questions?
It all starts with the kind of questions you're asking. Some people in the process of getting to know each other will focus on how compatible they are with one another, their character, rather than talking about some of the deeper things.
Where do you want to go in life?
What's important to you?
Where do you want to raise a family?
Now, this might seem like “Whoah! That’s a bit forward.” But we’re talking about marriage with a bigger purpose than just attraction. Asking these questions requires a little bit of personal work first in order to have those kinds of conversations, but it adds a layer of focus.
What do you want in life?
Get clear on what you want and value. Women especially can tend to have the mentality of being overly flexible when actually there are certain things you really do want in life. You don’t just want to give those up to fit someone else. Recognize that in yourself and talk about what’s important to you with a prospective partner.
Do our values align?
One of the top results if you Google “how do I know he or she is the one” is if you have similar values and vision for the future. What do you both want? Do you want the same thing in life?
In the context of receiving the Blessing, this is a huge topic because you're not just figuring out if you want to date. You're committing to eternal life together. You're committing to raising a family together, serving the community together, becoming grandparents together, and so on.
Priorities, Priorities, Priorities
The Blessing is eternal. That’s a huge commitment! So you want to make sure that your relationship with this person can go the distance. You need to know where you're going. What are your priorities? You need to know who you are and be true to yourself. No, of course, you will not know yourself 100% but have a good idea of your personality. Be curious and confident about yourself.
External things like how handsome he is or how pretty she is, how tall she is, or how tall he is. Those are things that can change and will change with time, so you don't want to base your “he is he the one, or is she the one” on external things. Focus more on things that will more likely improve over time, like spirituality.
Are you the right person?
Younger people especially get paralyzed in their ability to be decisive. It's a constant battle. Understandably, it's not an easy decision to make. “I don't know what to do. All these signs are indicating that I should say yes, or I should say no.” It's paralysis by analysis. In the end, what is the difference between someone who is confident and sure about the direction they're going?
The question of “Is this person the right person?” is the wrong question. It's not about “Are they the right person? Do they match all the qualities I am looking for?” It's really about you as an individual. How prepared are you? How clear are you about your values, your vision, your goals, your relationship with God?
The better off you are as a human being (your capacity to love and be open-minded), the easier it becomes to make decisions. When you are on top of your schedule, your health, your priorities in life, it’s easier for you to have the clarity to make decisions.
Am I in a healthy place?
This is huge question to ask yourself honestly before you consider getting to know someone. Do I have any addictions or issues I need to address in myself?
Pornography is a major one. It's very clear that when people have a habit with pornography, it is very difficult for them to make decisions, especially regarding relationships because their judgment is clouded heavily by attraction or misconceptions about what true beauty is in a person.
The bottom line is, are you really in a healthy place yourself? Are you in a place where you feel clear about your decisions in life, about your future, and are just a solid individual and a marriageable person. If that's the case, then it's a lot easier to see that things are lined up and if they are good.
If you find yourself being indecisive, then it's a good indication that there are some things that you need to work on. Maybe there are some misconceptions you have or some priorities that are not really in check, and maybe some healing that needs to be done within your own self before you move forward.
Embrace the Growing Pains
Commit to growth. Give yourself grace. That’s what the Blessing is: a commitment to growth. If you build this mindset when you’re single, you’ll be in a much healthier place when you do make that choice to face the inevitable challenges of life together with a partner.
