Winning the Heart of Cain
By Elijah Maddox
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of Cain and Abel, brothers at odds. I believe it clearly lays out for us just how wrong our interactions and relationships can go with ourselves, with each other, and with God. It’s a seemingly bleak lesson, but by learning it we can come to understand how to do things right.
Do you really know the story of Cain and Abel?
Most of us know the story from Sunday school. God asked Cain and Abel each to make a burnt offering, and while Abel’s was accepted by God, Cain’s was not. In psychologist Jordan Peterson’s interpretation of the story, he notes that, “If someone fails and is rejected because he refused to make any sacrifices at all—well, that’s at least understandable. He may still feel resentful and vengeful, but he knows in his heart that he is personally to blame…It’s much worse, however, if he had actually forgone the pleasures of the moment—if he had strived and toiled and things still didn’t work out—if he was rejected despite his efforts. Then his work—his sacrifice—has been pointless. Under such conditions, the world darkens, and the soul rebels.”
Their Portion of Responsibility
I think this part of the story is key. It’s not that Cain was evil and simply refused to work toward God’s will. He made his dedicated effort, but at that moment, it could not be accepted by God. His bitterness, in a way, is understandable.
This is a central story in our faith community because we look at Abel’s responsibility as well as Cain’s. Cain had many shortcomings: impatience, jealousy, and an unwillingness to listen to the voice of God, who spoke reason and warning to him when he most needed to listen to it. But what was Abel’s shortcoming? He left Cain in the dust. He made his acceptable offering to God and simply went about business as usual. When Cain was at his darkest place, Abel did nothing to help him.
Abel Needed to Help Cain
In the Divine Principle (p.197), it says, “God could not instruct Cain and Abel on how to properly make their sacrifices because it was their portion of responsibility that Cain make his sacrifice with Abel’s help.”
“God could not instruct Cain and Abel on how to properly make their sacrifices because it was their portion of responsibility that Cain make his sacrifice with Abel’s help.”
One does not decide to kill one’s brother on a whim; something truly must have been lacking in the relationship, a crucial piece that led to the doom of them both. At times in our lives, we all may find ourselves in the position of Cain in relation to others, and we also may find ourselves in the position of Abel. It’s therefore worth knowing how to learn from their mistakes.
A Lesson in Abel-ing
Teaching middle school has introduced me to a lot of little Cains. Children are sweet, generally, but they also can be arrogant, disrespectful, complaining, and entirely unaware of themselves and others. Day after day, I deal with kids who have problems and complaints. They feel school is too hard, they think homework is too long, a teacher made a mistake in their punishment, somebody called them a mean name and got away with it, the room is too cold, the lights are too bright, class is moving too fast, the content is too boring. The list never ends.
Many students are able to manage things relatively well, overcoming little disagreements and scuffles here and there, and ultimately getting back on track for a good day of learning. For some students, however, that’s just not the case. They don’t have just a chip on their shoulder – it’s a brick. We can safely consider them to be a super-Cain.
How to Win the Heart of Cain
These kids often have the hardest time in school, and we can’t ignore the fact that much of it is self-inflicted, but my heart does go out to them. I’ve had to ask myself every day, for each one of these students, “How can I win their hearts today?” I start by reminding myself that their complaints and their resentments are often not wrong. They really did get treated unfairly that one time in class, and maybe the homework was more confusing than it needed to be. Loving them means acknowledging their perspective and letting them know that I see them.
Cain needs to be seen and understood. But Cain also needs to do the right thing, and it’s Abel’s job to insist on that. Loving isn’t just validating with no guidance. Tough love is required, especially for tough children with big attitudes. Tough love, however, only works based on care and respect.
“Loving isn’t just validating with no guidance. Tough love is required, especially for tough children with big attitudes. Tough love, however, only works based on care and respect.”
Golden Rules of Abel
In my missionary days, I learned a simple set of Golden Rules of Abel. It was a tried-and-true set of attitudes for whenever you found yourself in the position of Abel. The first two are: 1) receive punishment without having committed any kind of sin, and 2) refrain from complaint or resentment while receiving punishment. Because Abel was the one accepted by God, Abel is in the position of goodness and authority. As a teacher, I have the authority of the school vested in me. I have a right to stand before the kids and tell them to listen to what I teach and do as I say. My super-Cain students, however, often have other ideas. The disrespect I receive from them is painful to take, and it does feel like a daily punishment. It seems unfair. But when I put myself in the mindset of taking that punishment willingly, I find that I can keep a brighter spirit and a warmer heart for much longer than I otherwise could. It allows me to practice the final two rules: 3) love Cain and 4) give all things to Cain. No matter what they throw at me, I still have to wake up in the morning ready to teach them something, ready to make a difference in their lives, whether they recognize me for it or not.
It’s a Daily Choice
When I greet the 35 kids at the classroom door as they arrive in the morning, only a handful will mumble a response or make eye contact. Every morning, I have to remember my role and my responsibility toward the kids. Whether I like it or not, this is the situation I find myself in. Other teachers I talk to express the same kinds of experiences, just in different terms. It can be so easy to complain about it, to become bitter and jaded, as some of my colleagues have. But when I start to feel that temptation, I remind myself of what potential I have here.
“It is a love that gives and then forgets that it has given – that is, a love that gives unconditionally. It is sacrificial love. In the same way that parents attach no conditions to the love by which they give birth to, raise, and provide for a child, so also true love is a love that gives unconditionally. This was the kind of love that God bestowed on human beings at the time He created us. That is why the origin of true love lies in God.”
Mother Moon reveals a beautiful perspective on true love by explaining: “It is a love that gives and then forgets that it has given – that is, a love that gives unconditionally. It is sacrificial love. In the same way that parents attach no conditions to the love by which they give birth to, raise, and provide for a child, so also true love is a love that gives unconditionally. This was the kind of love that God bestowed on human beings at the time He created us. That is why the origin of true love lies in God.” This, to me, is a beautiful explanation of how the Cain-Abel dynamic can function ideally. By embodying this kind of sacrificial love toward Cain, Abel opens the floodgates for God’s love to reach Cain.
Loving Cain Takes Time
All of this conceptualization of Cain-Abel dynamics can seem a little esoteric, but when I see it play out in the classroom, it really feels like a worthwhile way to view things. I’ve made a difference with kids whom I refused to stop loving, even when other teachers had written them off as psychos. Over months, I’ve been able to form relationships with a few of these Cain-type children, and the difference in class is remarkable. With other kids, even if I can’t see immediate results, I remind myself that there is no telling how I will be remembered by a child whose other teachers have given up on them.
Striving to give all of myself in loving these kids every day makes all the difference in my own mind and heart. And just maybe, it can make a difference in theirs as well.