The Power of Choice
How do you find someone? And when you do find someone, how do you know they’re the one for you?
Benjy Uyama of the Blessing and Family Ministry (BFM) debunked some common myths surrounding relationships in a new BFM video, as he acknowledged the challenges of being single as well as being in a relationship.
As a husband and father, Benjy recalled a time before his wife and children were in the picture, when he was nativating the matching process to find a partner for the Marriage Blessing.
“It’s hard,” he says. “But if I really got honest with myself in asking God this question about finding someone, the answer I got every time is that I made it more difficult than it needs to be — That’s what I believe to be the simple truth with the many men and women that I’ve helped through the matching process who feel like they’re hitting a brick wall in finding someone. I have a lot of compassion for that and understanding of what that’s like.”
In the video, Benjy shares a “simple method and easy formula” for finding a potential partner. To start, he recommends asking yourself whether you’re making the process more complex or cumbersome than it needs to be.
“There are many layers of reasons why we overcomplicate the matching process,” says Benjy. “Let go of the idea that there is a single predestined person out there that God has prepared for you. This is a very common line of thinking... and you’ll always question whether you made the right choice or not.”
Benjy says second-guessing decisions based on the concept of predestination is a bad idea that will invariably lead to a “rabbit hole.” In a world of billions of people, there are endless possibilities, he says. It is up to us to open doors and opportunities by saying “yes.”
“The Divine Principle teaches us that predestination doesn’t exist because fundamentally it undermines the free will of human beings and the five percent portion of responsibility that God gave us,” he says. “God gave us free will for a reason, for us to choose the love and relationships that we experience in our lives. It’s through this power of choice that we select the person for us... and it’s that choice that makes love so powerful and a relationship so fulfilling and emotionally bonding.”
The power of choice and our destiny differentiates human beings from animals, he explains. “We don’t just go with bodily instinct, but we go with what we want in our lives and where we feel called to go with God guiding us. When we make an intentional decision and take ownership of it... God will support us.”
Another common barrier, Benjy says, is the misbelief that there isn’t anyone out there. “We think there is no one that meets the criteria we’ve laid out,” he says. “But the pool of people is way bigger than your current perspective is seeing. There are single candidates that share your values and your vision for the Blessing that are literally all over the world... Eligible, marriageable, upstanding single people. The question is, how open are you? And how willing are you to do the work to find those people?”
Benjy recommends joining BFM’s matching websites, traveling to other communities simply to meet new people, and participating in workshops, camps, and other social activities in person and online.
“Every successful relationship involves a bit of risk-taking in putting yourself out there,” he says. “There are people who have traveled the world just to meet more people, families, and parents, just getting to know them as brothers and sisters. This broadens their perspective. It takes that kind of work to figure out who is out there... There has to be that intentional effort.”
Benjy outlines a good personal relationship with God, your parents, and an understanding of the Marriage Blessing while practicing sexual intergrity as key areas of focus when searching for a partner.
“If you have these four things in check, you are a marriageable person,” he says. “Finding someone with these things is critical... and making sure their habits align with their vision and their values. If you find someone with these qualities and a general sense of maturity, say ‘yes’ to having a conversation with that person.”
“We have the power of choice,” he continues, “and it’s a really good practice to say ‘yes,’ because as long as we say ‘no,’ we fall short in creating that beautiful Blessing that we all want.”
Benjy recommends a 21-day introductory period of getting to know a candidate before deciding whether to move forward in a matching process.
You can learn more about the Marriage Blessing and related resources here.